Rose Miller 
My day-to-day life is a three-ring circus and I was busy juggling 6 kids. My day is filled with pickups and drop-offs, laundry and cooking, shopping and cleaning, playdates, gymnastics, baths, and boo-boos. Trips to the orthodontist, trips to the park, replacing lost glasses, separating fighting kids, and trying to figure out why my pre-teen won’t talk to me. Dancing in the living room, cleaning up spilled milk, and writing letters to camp. Collecting everyone before dark and bargaining to get kids into bed.
It’s all in a day’s work but at the end of the day I am exhausted and with good reason and sometimes I can’t even remember if I locked the front door. Did I remember to bring in all the groceries from the car? Did I put the leftovers in the fridge? Did I put the clothes in the dryer? Tomorrow is another day and at some point, I just have to call it quits. Oh, and did I mention abuse?
Not the black eye, broken bones kind of abuse. Not the fear for my life kind of abuse because he knew that was easy to spot. Was he capable of it? Absolutely. He showed his true colors eventually. Initially, he chose a more subtle way, hard to explain and easy to deny. It came slowly over the years. It was a rude comment that I took too personally or a suggestion to make my life easier instead of helping me out. An opinion that I was unreasonable to disagree with. It was criticism disguised as a degrading question or a restriction for my own protection. It came in the form of keeping me overwhelmed with household responsibilities that I didn’t have the energy to analyze what I was putting up with. It came in the form of blaming me for circumstances and making decisions without me saying we had no choice.
At the end of each day, I felt worthless and undeserving. I was constantly second-guessing my decisions and actions. I lived in a constant state of intense shame and guilt but kept promising tomorrow would be better but it never was. I felt like I was nothing without him, I would never amount to much, and that I am to blame for everything. I lost all confidence and belief in myself and it was a dark place to be. I wanted a change, whatever the price.
As I look back at that time in my life I realize now that there were only two things stronger than the insidious abuse that I endured. My integrity and breaking the silence.
I slowly built my integrity, I wanted him to recognize me for all that I do. I tried to please, worked on my weaknesses, corrected my ways, and slowly built myself up. In time I regained my confidence and realized I would never be enough and that realization helped me break the silence.
I was one of the lucky ones. God was definitely watching over me. Many unfortunately live the way I did and don’t even know they are being abused. I want to continue breaking the silence. I don’t want anyone to ever second guess their feelings. I want to change the public’s perspective on relationships and abuse. I would love to encourage people to develop a deeper relationship with themselves and empower them to go after what they want. I would love to share my journey and help you succeed on your journey.
A year has passed, everything is different. My life is still a three-ring circus but at least now I am the star of my own show no more dancing to the tune of someone else’s song.
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