Rose Miller 
The healing journey from Narcissistic Abuse is painful, but not impossible. After all, they left you as the shell of the person you once were. It takes education, learning from others, and support from people who have been there to heal. It takes time and conscious effort. Be gentle with yourself, there is no timeline because it’s not a race, it’s a journey.
Today is the one year anniversary of my house purchase. The woman I bought my house from endured abuse similar to mine. I sat with her in the living room when we were sorting out the last details and commented on how she cared for the house so beautifully. I will never forget her words.
“Every time my husband tormented me, terrorized me, embarrassed me, I treated myself. I’d knock out a closet, I’d replace a bathtub, I’d re-polish the floors. What you have here is five years of turning his inflicted pain into my gain.”
I loved that, it was brilliant. Over time, I’ve come to understand that was her version of self-love and how she coped with the pain. She learned that she can’t change him but she can change her house, herself, and her experiences. I’ve since incorporated that into my new life and I must say it lessens the anxiety before an interaction. My house not only represents new beginnings but a whole new way of healing.
Every time he harrasses me I treat myself. If the kids come home from his parenting time and repeat something offensive he says instead of defending myself to the kids I treat myself. If he attacks me in a text message demanding I do something or not do something, I respond appropriately and treat myself. If he violates any part of the order that causes me discomfort or inconvenience, I treat myself.
So far I’ve gotten a wicker swing for my back deck, (from which I am writing). A bunch of parakeets that lighten the mood in the home. Mixed tiles for my walls, a night in a hotel, two pairs of shoes because who doesn’t love shoes? It changed my perspective from victim to victor.
Last week, I had to go to the police station to report my ex for playing with my parenting time. Instead of thinking it’s not fair, I kept imagining what I would get for this. I chose a new area rug for my living room. It’s a game-changer. It helps me through the obstacles in front of me, some unavoidable, some unexpected. But now I can handle things because I know when it’s over there’s a prize at the end. It gives me my power back and helps me bounce back quickly.
Self-love looks different for everyone. Whether it’s by buying yourself things, positive affirmations, or spending time away from people to recharge. Everyone needs different things to lift their spirits, some may want to spend time with friends, or people who understand what they are going through. Others may find that reading articles like these may be all they need. Whatever it is you need, make sure you incorporate it as much as you can on your healing journey. You don’t have to wait for harassment or abuse to give it to yourself. I just found that it helps if and when it happens.
Investing in yourself is another form of self-love and probably the most important. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. Therapy, self-help books, join a support group. There are a lot of resources today that were not available years ago that put us survivors at an advantage over previous generations, we just have to use it.
Find self-love, take your power back, and make it an important part of your healing journey.
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