No Mother Should Have To Bury A Child

Mom died in January of 2021 from Covid while in an induced coma. (Read more: https://therosemillerstory.com/2021/06/18/second-chance/ ) But I feel like I lost her so many years ago. In July of 1988, my sister was killed in a tragic car accident and a big part of my mother died that day, she was never the same. Although I was just 4 years old at the time the accident had a devastating effect on my family. My brother who was 15 turned to drugs and ran away from home. He’s been living on and off the streets ever since. I developed a fear of cars and terrible separation anxiety, I still remember my screams when the bus showed up in the morning to take me to day camp. At night I would sleep in Mom’s bed, holding her hand and if she let go I’d wake up. I slept in her bed until I was 12 and although I was embarrassed to admit it, I see now the intensity of my traumas and it makes sense to me.

When I gave Mom’s eulogy at the funeral I referenced my sister a lot because I was burying Mom next to her. Mom bought the plot next to her after she died because 8 short years before Mom buried her husband. Mom struggled a lot with loss and when my sister died she feared she’d lose more of us. I’ve heard her say things like, ‘Here today, gone tomorrow’ or ‘No mother should have to bury a child’.

My sister was a delight, her long black hair with perfect curls. She was the life of any party, popular, smart, and an amazing singer. I found a cassette while cleaning out Mom’s garage of Mom’s Eulogy of my sister. At the prime of her days just a short year before high school graduation, she had her whole life ahead of her, and she didn’t get a chance. I still don’t understand it- she would have done so much good in the world but it wasn’t meant to be.

Mom said that when my sister died she was so angry. For years she tried to repair her relationship with my sister who blamed her for her father’s death. About a year before the accident Mom took us to Atlantic City for a summer vacation and opened up to my sister about all the pains she endured when her husband died and how it’s not exactly as a 7-year-old perceived it. Mom said that she became best friends with her after that trip and finally she worked with Mom instead of against her and then God took her just when things were finally good between them. “Like a flower, God picked her like a flower.” Mom said.

History tends to repeat itself.

I’ve been down a similar road with Mom. For years we didn’t see eye to eye on things after being so close when I was younger. My marriage was toxic and she was verbal about it (for my protection of course) but I was powerless to change anything and took it out of her. When I came to tell her that I wanted a divorce I was unsure how she’d respond but to my surprise, she had my back and so began my long journey out. (Read more: https://therosemillerstory.com/2020/08/07/my-ticket-out/ ) Mom had my back from the day I told her until the day she died and when things were finally good between us again, God took her from me.

Mom died, this fear was a long time coming but oddly enough I found comfort that she was back with my sister again. I’m putting myself back together, I don’t think I will ever be the same but I know that everything is meant to be and that life is beautiful in all the darkness and I’m trying to find it.