Rose Miller 
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I can’t say this enough. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. These are the lines we draw to protect ourselves, our rules, our protocols. It’s all about not crossing these lines because this and only this, will get you through a divorce with a narcissist. I say this from experience, get clear on what you need and create boundaries because you aren’t anyone’s punching bag anymore.
You see, when narcissists sense you are leaving they will throw all kinds of tactics to try and destroy you. And when that doesn’t work (because it won’t, remember they targeted you for a reason) they will start with the crazy-making. And although I highly recommend going no-contact, I also understand that it isn’t always possible as there may be kids involved. In those cases, creating boundaries can prevent many unnecessary issues.
5 Boundaries that I have that keep me going.
- I will never take his phone call ever again.
There is nothing that would make me ever pick up his call and there’s no need. From the day I walked out of the marriage 5 years ago up until today I have never answered his call. (Read more: My Ticket Out – The Rose Miller Story ) I changed his name in my contacts to him– just to lessen the intimidation I felt when the phone rang repeatedly because he was persistent. It worked for me and it may work for you. We live in an amazing time where technology can serve as protection from toxic people and text messages became my main form of contact. No more being put on the spot.
- I never answer any text messages after 8:30 PM unless it’s an emergency.
It is known that when narcissists learn your preferences they tend to test and push to weaken you. So as expected he started calling and texting me at all hours of the night to which I made it clear I would not be answering text messages after 8:30 PM. Being that he has no concept of time this was especially important for me to limit my contact to a restricted time frame. I am not nor should I be available to him whenever he wants, those days ended when I left him.
- I created a new email for everyone but him-
This new email became my primary contact with everyone in my life. Everyone but him. The reason I found this to be important for me is because we have to be in contact by email and I wanted to be in a position to control the incoming emails instead of being caught by surprise. This way, I log in to check for updates when I am ready and I minimize his harassment and bullying with this filter giving me time to process and reply when I feel up to it.
- I never consent to him coming to my house-
If I learned one thing from a narcissist is they are amazing at taking advantage. Knowing this I decided I would never agree to exchange the children at my house. I don’t trust him and the idea of him lurking around my new place scares me. I have the right to feel safe at my own house and enforcing this boundary helps me know I won’t be seeing him around my neighborhood. The last thing I want is to open my door and be greeted by my ex.
- I don’t share anything with him-
I requested in court that I be responsible for the kids’ stuff while they are in my care and he be responsible during his time. Although it’s another financial responsibility for me, my inner peace means a lot. I don’t share anything that belongs to the kids with him. This limits contact, dependency, and arguments as well as anxiety and frustration. If I didn’t lend it then I am free of unnecessary toxic interactions with him.
No one understands what you’ve been through other than you. Don’t explain or apologize for whatever boundaries you need to create to feel safe. Respect yourself enough to include boundaries in your healing process. Stick by them and in time when the retaliation settles you will be okay.
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