Rose Miller 
I attended my weekly therapy session. I took the seat to the left which wasn’t my usual spot. I was desperate for change, even just a new seat was helpful. I was ready to be open with her about what’s been going on. My heel was bouncing up and down off the carpet as I debated how to share this. She already knew the kids were not in school, she also knew I haven’t been talking to my mother. No more pretending to have a perfect marriage, he recently clarified it wasn’t.
“I’m so overwhelmed,” I said. She nodded her head. This part she’s heard before. I probably said it every time I came to therapy. “There is so much that has to change in my life. I don’t know where to start.”
“Take it one thing at a time, we can get to all of it.” She reassured me.
I looked at the carpet in her office as I spoke. “Starting next month we lose our unemployment benefits, it’s already been 6 months and I’m really starting to worry about money.” I started. “I don’t know what’s going to be, he locks himself upstairs in his office, I don’t understand why he isn’t finding work. I don’t want to be evicted again with 6 kids. How he can just sleep all day?”
“Have you tried asking him what he’s thinking so you can have a better understanding?” She asked.
“Many times but he just gets angry and says I don’t contribute. It’s not true, I gave him every dollar I had. I let him rack up debt on my credit cards for his business and nothing was growing, just the debt. Eventually, $40,000 later and nothing to show for it, I wanted my credit card back. It was never going to end. He ruined my credit by not paying the balances but he blames me. I always pay the price. Everything I have he takes. Even a piggy bank of quarters for my oldest daughter he emptied at one point without asking or explaining and he never returned it. It’s not even mine, it was for my daughter.” I stopped for a minute wondering if I said too much. I shifted the focus onto myself.
“You know, if it was me running the finances and I had 6 months of unemployment, I would not sit still. I see it as an opportunity to push ahead.” A spark ignited in me at that moment as I remembered my mother’s ability to make things happen. I guess I have it too. I suddenly remembered my reality and felt the spark mellow out. I added, ”I just can’t say anything, I don’t understand how life works.” I shrugged.
“Did he tell you that?” She asked. I nodded. “You have a right to be worried about money, you also have a right to ask questions.”
“I don’t pay the bills, he does all the money stuff, so it’s easy for me to just talk.” I defended.
“Not necessarily.” She commented. “It all makes sense to me. You know, if you are ever worried about food. You can go to the local food pantry.”
I felt embarrassed, I shook my head. “I’m not going to the food pantry.”
“No pressure, maybe just knowing there are resources, can help ease the worry you feel.” I nodded. I understood.
I returned home and looked around at the chaos I was in, I picked up the broom and started sweeping the dining room floor, but for the first time the overwhelm was gone, nothing really changed but everything was different. I now saw something that I couldn’t see before. There are resources, I have options. Maybe I wasn’t ready today but deep down I felt something shift, that spark I felt in my session may have mellowed out but the flame was still lit. I felt hopeful because change was coming and even I wouldn’t be able to slow it down!
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