The Bad Ex-Wife

Am I a bad ex-wife? Of course I am, I put boundaries in place. Boundaries that I didn’t know I was entitled to and you don’t like it. But before the boundaries, I was also a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad person, remember?

That person you keep describing to people doesn’t exist anymore, she’s gone. That useless, pathetic, person who infuriated you because she couldn’t get anything right. The one you blamed destroyed the children, because I didn’t know how to love them. The one you called evil because I wasn’t ok with everything you did. That naive little girl you once controlled, she’s gone.

You see, what you don’t understand is that while you were blaming me, I was slowly improving. While you were criticizing me, I was growing and while you were threatening me, I was planning.

And, as I slowly built my self-esteem and increased my capacity, I began believing in myself and my potential. I became less tolerant of your tactics. As I realized my abilities and took on more responsibilities I stopped believing your excuses. And when you tried to stop me I refused to be held back just because I was becoming too much for you. 

I tried to show you what I’ve accomplished but you tried to keep me labeled. Crazy was the one that hurt the most. I’ve tried to show you that I’ve improved but you knocked me with “it’s not enough”. And when I tried to show you we can do better and be better, you called me controlling.  

You see, I now know that no matter what I do or accomplish you will always see me as that person, but what you don’t understand is that I’m at a point in my life where moving on is my main focus and not what you think of me. Shifting my focus was the biggest gift I could give myself because now I feel ready, willing, and able to take on the world.

Divorcing you was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made and the most difficult experience of my life. You made it merely impossible. You challenged my new-found strength constantly, yet here I stand stronger each day. So, thank you. 

The threats to ruin my reputation didn’t get you very far because while you were trying to destroy my reputation I was building my character. I now know that my reputation is what people think of me, but my character is what I think of myself. And as long as I keep building my character you can’t get to me anymore.

I’ve learned a lot about myself through this process. I am very patient. Thirteen years is a long time to give. I’ve learned that when I want something I will go after it and achieve. leaving you with nothing and succeeding sure proved that. I’ve also learned that I am smart, funny, generous, and honest. I am kind and compassionate and I love my children and they know it. But most importantly what you’ve said about me all these years isn’t true.

You can’t force growth, it comes on slowly over time but you also can’t prevent it. We unfortunately were growing apart. I wish you could see that, it would change your life. But I also know I can’t make you do anything.

So this is it, I’m on my way. It’s going to take me some time to repair the damage you’ve done but the lessons learned along the way are becoming my greatest asset. I wish you well and I hope one day you will get the help you need to start your own journey to wellness. I can’t be there with you anymore, it’s just too hard for me. But I know you can do it for yourself, I did! 

So for now, I accept being the bad ex-wife, it’s just your label. I know you do it to make yourself feel better about yourself. But to me, it just reminds me that I am taking care of myself, something you never allowed me to do.

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