5 Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes they don’t know they are in an abusive relationship, sometimes it’s that subtle. ((Read more here: Subtle signs of emotional abuse.) Other times they have reasons like obstacles to overcome before they can leave. Looking back on my experience I would say that listed below are the five main reasons I stayed as long as I did.

1. Fear

Fear is the number one reason I stayed in an abusive relationship. I was afraid of the unknown, I often asked myself if I would be able to handle my kids and a house on my own. Would I be able to juggle work and family? All the years I was with my abuser I was made to believe that I would be ‘nothing without him.

I was also really afraid of my abuser. He threatened many times that he would make it his life mission to destroy me if I left. I was afraid of the retaliation I would face if I tried to get away and in hindsight, I was right to be afraid. He tried everything he could to “destroy me.”

2. Shame

Many victims of abuse have a distorted sense of self because of the abuse. Many believe that it’s all their fault and because of that, they carry a lot of shame. For a long time, I carried so much shame that I never shared what was going on behind closed doors because it felt like I failed.

Shame can also be something that you want to prevent for family members and children. I stayed longer than I should have because the idea of my kids having a label of a child from a broken home brought on a lot of shame and I had a strong need to protect their emotional well-being.

3. Financial Constraints

Money is one of the biggest factors of control. For thirteen years I was a stay at home. I didn’t work and slowly over time without even realizing it I had no access to the bank accounts so when I wanted to leave it was very hard without any financial resources.

Financial constraints don’t become easier after leaving. Many times it is expensive to leave. Getting a new apartment, furnishing the apartment, hiring an attorney to start the divorce, and taking on a full household can be overwhelming, especially if you never had to before.

4. Family

Many times women stay because they don’t have family or their family isn’t supportive or aware of what is going on. Many abusers are good at masking what is going on and it’s hard for families to see the victim’s side. 

Women also stay because they feel like family is important and staying keeps the family together. It will be easier to watch their children all the time. Many times women don’t trust their abuser with the kids and the idea of splitting up the family and leaving the kids with him is terrifying.

5. Hope

Hope may seem a bit far-fetched but I experienced hope periodically. The reality is no abuser is abusive one hundred percent of the time and when things are going well victims may hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.

When things are going well they may also hope to find the man they married. Abusers have patterns and when they love-bomb, it’s easy to feel that things will get better.

The truth is that abusers rarely change, and it may take time to fully understand this. But once they understand, many women plan to leave. It took me a few attempts to actually leave but when I finally did I never looked back.

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